


I'll be gone by the time you leave

by yellowsenpai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Health Awareness Writing Challenge, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Swearing, We love her, suicide awareness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26738899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowsenpai/pseuds/yellowsenpai
Summary: Aftermath of Oikawa Tooru's attempted suicide.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	I'll be gone by the time you leave

**Author's Note:**

> If you live in the US and suffer from depression, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255
> 
> They can and will help you, no matter your thoughts on whether or not you think you can be helped.

Oikawa Tooru found himself somewhere that felt like the gym floor with a… towel? Yeah, towel behind his head. He ruled this as an unnatural occurrence, if only his knee didn't hurt like a bitch in heat.

He has overworked his knee before, sure, but  _ Iwaizumi -fucking- Hajime  _ was kneeling beside him, looking as panicked as the first time he found Tooru 5 minutes before ending his volleyball career.

He figured out 3 things in the span of time before Hajime noticed him:

  1. The lights were flickering (?)
  2. Hajime was _crying_
  3. His knee numbed



Perhaps one of these was not like the others, in his medicine-induced state, Tooru couldn't exactly tell.

Forgetting about the man beside him, Tooru swore the lights were going to give him epilepsy, causing his dear  _ Iwa-chan  _ to look up at the now sitting form with confusion. Which Tooru thought was uncalled for, who knows how long he's been out for.

" Hey, Iwa-chan~ Were you taking care of me? That's so cute! You'd be such a great housewife~" Hajime only stared at him. Tooru pouted, " That's not what you're supposed to do-"

" Tooru, " Tooru's eyes widened. He couldn't remember the last time Hajime called him by his first name- " Tooru, what did you do? The hell were you thinking?" 

It all came back to him at once- 

_ "If I can't beat anyone to go to stupid Nationals, then maybe I should practice until I can." He served the ball, then frowned. That was the 25th ball that went out of bounds in the last hour. He did a couple more serves (read: 70), and headed out. It doesn't exactly matter how good he is anymore, he wonders when everything stopped mattering. He took a detour home, what was the point of being around his arguing parents for longer than he has to? _

_ He paused, maybe he deserved this. The abuse, never being good enough, unrequited love. Maybe it was the karma of the years of bullying Tobio catching up with him. Tobio didn't deserve that, it wasn't his fault he was better than him. _

_ Hajime didn't deserve him as a friend, much less a best friend or lover. He deserves Matsukawa and Hanamaki, they listened to him. They respected all of his choices instead of ignoring him for choosing a college halfway across the world. _

_ His parents deserved a better son, too. It's his fault they argue so much, if only he wasn't born- then maybe, maybe they would still love each other. They wouldn't have to waste their time worrying about him. _

_ He texted everyone that was important to him, everyone that didn't leave him despite his shitty personality. _

_ To  _ **_Iwa-chan <33: _ ** _ I love you. So much. Thank you for putting up with me even though I wasn't the best best friend I promised to be when we met. Remember 1st year of middle school? When we realized we went to the same school? That was the best moment of my life. Have fun in America, Hajime. _

_ To  _ **_Tobio-chan >~<: _ ** _ Throw the ball like you want it to be set to you when serving, then use your non dominant hand to aim for the least experienced player. Your topspin was off the last time I saw it. Do a faster 2nd and 3rd step, slower for the first one. Congrats on your win. _

_ To  _ **_Mom:_ ** _ Dad doesn't deserve you, leave him. Under my mattress is money I've been saving up. I know you won't miss me, but I hope you'll forgive me for ruining everything you worked hard for. Sorry I wasn't the son you wanted. _

Oh. 

Oh shit.

It didn't fucking work.

It's ironic, he couldn't even  _ kill  _ himself right.

Looking back up at Hajime, he stared in horror.

" Hajime-" The man, no  _ boy  _ cut him off.

" Tooru," he sobbed, " I can't fucking live without you, I can't even  _ sleep  _ without you. I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning to a suicide text from you and 38 missed calls from your own damn mother. I spent 2 hours trying to find you, and when I did, you were halfway  _ dead.  _ I can't fucking unseen you floating in a fucking river like a  _ doll.  _ I can't unfeel the panic I went through when the doctor said he didn't know if you would make it. Do you know what the last words I said to you were?" 

Tooru's heart shattered at the sound of the big, strong, brute of a man, Iwaizumi Hajime crying because of  _ him. _

Instead of reacting to Tooru's broken eyes, Hajime only continued, " it would've been, 'I wish I never knew you'" Of course Tooru remembered, it was the thing that broke him the most, and for good reason.

_ " Oi, Shittykawa! What college are you going to? D'you know yet? " No. He can't think about leaving Hajime right now. He can't handle the prospect of leaving the only thing tying him together. It's selfish, he knows, but he also knows that he's always been selfish. _

_ " Of course not, Iwa-chan! Do you know how many colleges have recruited me this week alone? Being loved so much sure is exhausting~" Hajime sat next to him, ignoring his personality-normal outburst. _

_ " I applied to a school in America, NYU. It has a good medical sports program and sent me an invite." Hajime looked at him to gouge his reaction. _

_ " Oh, " Tooru paused, that's too far, way too far, long distance friendships work out as much as romantic ones do, " And you..applied? But what about us?" _

_ " The hell do you mean 'what about us'? Life goes on, Oikawa." A look of hurt flashed across Tooru's eyes- _

_ " We've been friends for 14 years, Iwaizumi! Why the hell are you throwing it away this easily?!" _

_ " I'm not! Did you honestly think we would stay like this for the rest of our lives? Like I could stand to be around a selfish prick for this long?!"  _

_ In his mind, Tooru knew Hajime was just mad, that he didn't mean it, that they would work out. But it still hurt. _

_ " And you're a fucking liar, Iwazumi! You lead me on for  _ **_years,_ ** _ yet instead of addressing it, you blow it off?!" Tooru screamed, tears lodging themselves down his face, on the tip of his chin. _

_ " Goddamnit, Oikawa, I wish I never knew you." With a snarl, the person he's watched grow up and change, seen him at his best and at his worst, left. _

_ Along with 12 years of friendship. _

_ Wasted, because of him. _

Snapping out of his memory, Tooru looked Hajime straight in the eyes and said,

"It won't happen again. I swear by it."

**Author's Note:**

> this was a fic for Suicide Awareness Month, please don't be afraid to call the hotline zoned for you.
> 
> edit: yall are making me blush in the comments-


End file.
